The permission slip nobody can give you
Somewhere along the long arc of grief there is a shift which is not often talked about, where your internal dialogue moves from "how do I survive?" to " how do I live?"
When we experience loss, life often divides itself into two parts.
The before.
And the after.
For a while, simply surviving the “after” is enough. You have done the hard work of grieving, have honoured their love and survived days you once believed impossible.
But eventually, another question begins to emerge and there is an uncomfortable shift from
“How do I survive?”
to
“How do I live?”
In my work as the Grief Gardener, many people tell me that they fear moving forward because it means leaving their loved one behind and that healing somehow betrays the depth of their love. They fear that joy means forgetting, that purpose means replacing their person and finding peace means their grief wasn’t real.
But none of these things are true. These fears are wrapped up in the complexities of the stories we tell ourselves. These stories help us stay with what feels familiar and safe, even when that means living in our grief instead of with it. There may also be times when we allow these stories to be influenced by the expectations of others rather than look inwards to ask ourselves what is possible.
I’m suggesting a refresh of the story to one where we accept that we grieve because we loved, and therefore we can accept that love does not demand a life sentence of unhappiness.
I’ve written before about the way grief and fully living can sit side by side. The acceptance that you can miss someone fiercely and still make plans, carry sadness and still experience joy, honour what was and still build what comes next. The truth that more than one thing can be true.
There will come a time when your inner voice may be suggestive of a bigger, fuller life.
“I think I want more from life again.”
“I want to travel.”
“I want to fall in love.”
“I want to change careers.”
“I want to laugh without feeling guilty.”
“I want to stop defining myself by what happened.”
And then, almost immediately, another voice appears.
“But am I allowed?”
There comes a point where remaining still no longer honours our grief.
It simply keeps us small.
Yet, you find yourself standing at the gate of a new season, waiting for permission to walk through. Waiting for a sign, certainty or even someone else to tell you it’s okay and that you’ve grieved enough.
I didn’t want this to be true but there is no one else who can give you that permission. Not your family, your friends, a coach, a counsellor or even the person you lost.
The permission slip you are seeking, which allows you to dream, to hope, to change, to live a full life can only be signed by YOU.
You don’t need certainty or everyone else’s approval and you definitely don’t need to stop loving the person you lost.
You simply need enough courage to take the next small step, towards yourself, towards the life that is still waiting, towards the person you are becoming.
A gentle invitation
So perhaps today I can offer you a question.
What are you waiting to give yourself permission for?
A conversation?
An adventure?
A decision?
A possibility?
What small step towards life?
A Note from the Garden
If you have been waiting for a sign, perhaps this is it.
Not a sign that grief is over or that you should leave the past behind.
Simply a reminder that your life matters too. You are allowed to laugh, hope and begin again.
And most importantly of all … you are allowed to live.
If you want more and are curious about how you could grow your life around your grief and live more fully, I offer you Living Forward, a coaching programme specifically designed to move you from a life of contraction to a life of expansion.
Over 3 months, you will realise your commitment to living fully by exploring what is keeping your life small and reconnecting with your self worth, identity and boundaries.
If you have survived the loss and are now ready to live fully, DM me or leave a comment and I will send you more information
If you feel ready to explore what your next chapter could look like, you’re warmly welcome to take that step.
With warmth
Karen
p.s. last month I wrote to you about our relationship with rest and the reluctance we sometimes have towards allowing ourselves to recharge. If you are interested in the connection between grief, personal growth and rest, you can read more below.
The Grief Gardener at Reset and Rise Coaching - solution-focused grief support, creating the conditions for life after loss.