The Wave You Didn't Expect

No timeline, no rule book but compassion and empathy matter when the tide rises.

Jul 15, 2025

It has been said many times that grief has no timeline and certainly no rule book, however the compassion and empathy that we show others is often not turned towards ourselves. This edition of Letters for the Heart brings comfort and strength along with a gentle suggestion on how to take care of yourself and your heart when the tide rises.

July…the summer months conjure images of sun, sea and sand, meadows of grass and flowers swaying in the breeze, the sounds of bees gently buzzing, children laughing, glasses clinking…and there it is…the ache, the sting, the swell of sadness…the wave of grief crashing into you.

It can strike at any time.

Making the tea.

Walking past a shop.

A song on the radio.

A smell in the air.

Grief comes in waves, it always has, it always will.

Unpredictable yet natural

Grief doesn’t follow a schedule. It’s like the tide, it flows in and out. Sometimes it’s gently lapping, other times it’s crashing in without warning. Although dates on the calendar and anniversaries can activate a grief wave, sometimes it’s the small, ordinary things in life which invite the largest waves.

It is hard to believe but you will learn to ride the grief waves. The waves may knock you off your feet initially but over time, you will recognise the pattern and develop ways to right yourself and float again.

Remember, that you do not have to swim alone. Grief is personal but doesn’t have to be solitary.

In the middle of a wave, take a breath. Then another. Take time to feel what you need to feel then remind your heart that there is ground under your feet. You are still standing, and you are still breathing. You have power and resilience in the face of this wave and each time you stand back up, you flex the muscles of love and memories and your power grows.

Why the waves come

The cues which cause the grief waves can’t be avoided. I prefer to use the word cue or activator rather than trigger which is so liberally used in our culture that it holds a great deal of power. The slight shift in language may help you think differently.

You may believe that the song, the smell or the restaurant is the activator for the grief wave and therefore by avoiding them, you can avoid the pain.

The bad news is that the pain will still be there. You carry the pain of your loss, when awake, sleeping, working, on holiday…it’s part of you and will simply transfer to a new activator if you ignore it.

Grief demands to be heard
David Kessler

Grief cues or activators are manageable by allowing them, acknowledging them and reframing them. This will help you to ride the grief waves.

Let me share an example with you

Grief cue: I find it difficult to go to the cricket ground where my husband played cricket with my son

Reframe: I now imagine how proud my husband would be watching my son playing

This exercise takes time and gets easier with practice, and should you need support with this, please contact me.

Just like the tides, the waves will still come, but having some strategies to help you stay on your feet or get back up more quickly as you grow and heal.

Gentle Noticing

When did a grief wave last wash over you? What was the cue and how could you reframe it?

This isn’t about getting over it, it’s about learning to live alongside the love and the loss. Grief waves don’t mean you are going backwards; they mean you are human and your grief still has something to say.

So when a wave you didn’t expect strikes, remind your heart