When you don't know what to say
For those walking beside someone in grief.
This Letter for the Heart is for anyone who is supporting a friend, a colleague or a family member through a loss. Your presence is the most valuable gift you can give someone in grief and I hope that this candid letter brings you the confidence needed to show up without the urge to fix or judge.
We have all been there. We bump into someone who has experienced a loss and suddenly we are the ones at a loss … for words. We worry about saying the wrong thing or upsetting the person and so we say nothing, stumble over platitudes and generally feel uncomfortable.
Grief is raw, unpredictable, and deeply personal and when you’re on the outside looking in, it can be hard to know what to do. What to say. Whether to say anything at all. You might worry you’ll make it worse. You might feel helpless watching someone you love in pain.
But please know this. You don’t have to fix anything. You don’t have to get it right.
Your consistent, quiet presence matters more than perfect words ever could.
Hold onto your own reactions
Supporting someone in grief can be challenging, not least because you may also be feeling the loss. Your feelings are important; however, if you have chosen to be a supporter, then you need to find somewhere else to release your emotions. This is not about you.
Your person may stay silent, be angry, or reject offers of help. Try to remember that this rejection is not directed at you and that it is not their job to make you feel better.
If possible, find a way to support that sits as comfortably as possible with you. If sitting in silence with a person in grief makes you deeply uncomfortable but cutting the grass, offering to hoover or pick up groceries feels more authentic, then cut, hoover or shop.
Simply Being There Matters
Often, people in grief don’t need advice; they need witnessing. Your role is not to try to fix; they are not broken, they are grieving and that is a natural process which is unpredictable and raw.
People in grief need someone who can sit beside them when they are desperately sad, without turning away. Someone who lets them feel what they feel, even if it’s messy or quiet or hard to be with. Someone who doesn’t judge when they cancel plans at the last minute or leave early.
Here’s what matters.
Keep showing up, keep messaging, keep sending invitations. Don’t wait for the person in grief to reach out. You will help by simply making space for their grief.
Five Simple Ways to Support Someone in Grief
When you’re unsure how, here are a few ways to show up
1. Offer presence, not platitudes
Avoid clichés like “At least they lived a good life ” or “they are in a better place”. Instead try:
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I don’t know what to say, but I’m here.
I’ve been thinking of you. How’s today been?
I know there’s no fixing this, but I care so much.
2. Name the person they’ve lost.
It’s okay to say their name. It’s a way of keeping love alive. You won’t make their grief worse or remind them by mentioning their loved one, believe me, they have not forgotten and it means a lot that you haven’t either. They may not feel like talking, but your mention of their loved one will be appreciated.
3. Remember meaningful dates.
It might be helpful to ask how they wish to approach meaningful dates. A simple message on a birthday or anniversary can bring comfort: I’m holding you in my heart today. Some people find a message of support more meaningful on a random Tuesday than once on a special day. If in doubt, maybe both is a good way to go.
4. Offer something specific.
One of the most common things people say is Let me know what I can do. Meant with the best of intentions and can be helpful if there is a ‘team’ around the primary griever who can identify and delegate tasks. Most people in grief don’t have such a team and usually have ‘grief brain’, which means they have no idea what they could or should need help with.
Here are some suggestions:
I’m heading to the shops. What can I bring you?
I’m picking up a takeaway. Is there something you would like to eat? I’ll leave it at the door.
I’m cutting the grass. Can I come over and do yours?
Try not to add to their to-do list. Take action and absorb the rejection if that is the response. Remember, it is not directed at you; it’s directed at their new situation.
5. Honour their boundaries.
Sometimes, love means giving space. Grief is exhausting. Sometimes people just don’t want to talk. Sometimes the thought of joining in your celebrations reminds them that you still have the life they now can’t have and it hurts so they stay away.
Let them know they’re not forgotten, even in silence.
I am thinking of you, no need to reply.
It makes sense that this is difficult and you feel this way. We love you.
Gentle invitation
Take a moment to ask yourself:
Who in my life might be quietly grieving?
What might it look like to show up for them, softly, without needing to fix?
You don’t have to do it perfectly. You just have to show up with love and keep your grieving person at the centre.
I want to listen
If you ever want to talk
About the person you are missing
I want to listen, always
And as you do this talking
They come alive again, for me
Whether I knew them or not
Your love, your stories
I want to listen
~ by Donna Ashworth, extract of I want to Listen from Growing Brave
Free Guide: Supporting Someone Through Grief
When someone we care about is grieving, it’s so natural to want to help and just as natural to not always know how.
I’ve created a gentle, practical resource called When You Don’t Know What to Say - it’s a guide for those who are walking alongside grief, whether as a friend, colleague or family member. Inside, you’ll find:
supportive phrases that genuinely help
things to avoid (and why)
simple ways to show up with care and presence
It’s here for anyone who wants to feel a little more confident, compassionate and grounded when supporting others through loss.
Click below to receive your download or pass it on to someone who might need it.
Because none of us should have to navigate grief alone.
I am here to help, send me a message if you want to talk.
With warmth
Karen
p.s. last month I reflected on how we can make peace with the ‘what ifs’ because sometimes it’s not the sadness that keeps me awake, but the guilt and regret.
Reset and Rise - solution-focused grief support.